Smoke clouds

As she was smoking her cigarette, looking into the sun enjoying the last strokes of warmth it gave her. Enjoying ever little burn in her lungs. Finally, she could let go, her head finally stopped pounding her shaking hands finally calmed down and she knew this wasn`t supposed to be, she knew that that girl wasn`t herself anymore. 

She finally understood why people need this so badly, she finally knew what it feels like to need that little sweet escape. As the smoke sourrounded her, she started thinking… what brought her this deep. 

She was the funny, sporty girl and right now she would be running or dancing just moving her body to escape but she was to tired, it was just too much. She needed something heavier, something that burned like the fire she felt inside, something that hopefully would make her feel alive again. She was despreatly searching for help knowing no one could help her right now. 

She felt broke inside, she didn`t feel like this in a long time. She was sad before but it was a different kind of sad, this time it was so desperate so incapable she didn`t know how to do anything in that moment other than be confused by who she became and what life can do to you. 

She finally woke up and realized the pink world she was living in, came crashing down on her. With every breath she took, looking at the smoke bust out of her rosy lips, it got worse.

Broken Hearted

So I guess I just wasn`t expecting him to leave me this soon.. He just went! I mean it`s not like I did not know that it`s over, but It just came so quickly with no warning. BUUF and everything was gone, he was gone. He came like a wishing star he amazed me and then he did nothing other than disappoint me, cause my dreams didn`t come true. He left me but not only with my wishes, with my problems too. That is exactly what I was scared of, I finally put trust in someone I did let loose. I at least tried to show him all of me, the real ME. But I was right, he left anyway, my fear was justified I was so scared of opening up to him and I still am. I am just not good at talking about my feelings to people, I can get so cold. I cannot tell you why I do that. But if somebody get to close, I completely close the doors, I just shut them out. I won`t say I let the doors to my heart wide open for him, but I let him glance in and that already was a big step for me and what do I have now? A broken heart, I never wanted to be the broken hearted girl. I know that`s kind off not avoidable but I`d rather be the cold hearted girl than the broken one.

I know it`s not his or mine fault the relationship didn`t work out, it was OUR fault we both where just living our own life`s, never really sharing a lot with the other one. That worked because our love was, what kept us strong but in the end there was only love and effort on one side and that just wasn`t enough, it just wasn`t.

I am not going to fall into a hole, I am not that kind of person. One thing I`ve learned from this relationship is that you need to make time for the people you love and sometimes you need to give certain things up for the one who`s most important to you. And if you are not willing to do that, it simply won`t work. You know maybe we are better off with each other, maybe it wasn`t meant to be with 16 you should be looking all pink at the world when you`re in love. I guess it shouldn`t have been this complicated already. I never wanted a relationship anyway, I knew I wasn`t ready. I need to live my own life first, I am still such an egoist and so focused on myself. For God`s sake I can be focused on myself, I am 16 years old I have to figure it all out first.

Also I am pretty good at being single I get along with myself damn fine I can worry about being alone when I am 23 or something. I know I will have my heart broken a few times more but it`s not all bad, I never really regret anything, you can only learn from people.

Actually it`s that time of the year where most couples call it quits. Although I wasn`t the one who ended it, I think I get why he did it now…. Let`s just say I am excited who my new year`s kiss will be, suddenly I can assure you that it won`t be him anymore and I think I deserve better, so take that!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! 

            Youth

            Our youth will define us, at the end it kind of makes us who we are. Those cheese teenage films where the stars shine extra bright and the moon looks extra full, the girl`s eyes couldn`t be prettier and even in that light those vintage old clothes are perfectly fitting on those beautiful actors. Look my point is, in a movie the youth can either be shown as the best thing that could ever happen to you and that you may never want to get older than 20. Or it will be shown as something you can`t wait to escape cause of all those High school party`s that are always the same and all those shitty popular kids that are fucking mean. But it is for a fact that at the end of a those film`s you want to go and live your live, stand on a rooftop and scream to the world how much you love it to be living. 

            

            Thing is right now, I am sometimes, kind of feeling like I am in a film. I already stud on a rooftop and screamed out loud. 

            

            We already where sitting near the water looking up the sky, counting those many shooting stars while not telling each other what we wished would happen. We sat there talking about the universe and what would be if there actually where some kind of aliens. 

            

            I already watched the sun go down to some cheese `lives good` music, with a beer in my hand and all the people I love around me. Just feeling this fuzzy feeling inside of me. 

            I already had the best girl`s night ever with a drink in our hands, wearing only our underwear and a shirt, screaming out loud to an old Adele song, totally forgetting about our boyfriends. 

            Just Yesterday I went to a friend`s house and she suddenly had a bonfire in her yard. We were there and everything seemed right. It was only a few people, not like a big party but everyone seemed so happy. We had those cool fire chopsticks who sparkle when you lighten them. We drew hearts in the air with those, and I felt like I was in the middle of a movie. 

            I could go on and on with those story`s, my point is you can make those things happen. It is true that live doesn`t feels like a movie most of the time, but it can in special moments. And promise me one thing, keep those moments, keep them in your heart, they will always remind you how good live can be.

Something that needs to be talked about...

           There is way too much violence in the world right now. Which makes me think a lot, but also it makes me pretty sad. I don`t know but it is just very hard to imagine when you are in your little princess world, living your princess dream right in the beautiful mountains, like I do. Here, I am just not thinking that the world around me is falling into pieces. I live a very, very great and SAFE life. 

           

            We all hear these horrible things day to day, but it seems like we just shut our ears when these things come to discussion. We hear it so much that we stopped listening. We know about it all, but to really realize what is happening, it takes a lot more than just listening. It takes communication and discussion, it seems to me that everyone is just avoiding the truth. Nobody really tries to talk about it, because it just makes us sad and even a little disappointed. I am not sure yet why we get disappointed, but we have a really bad feeling in us when we talk about it. I think the truth is, we all feel pretty responsible for what is going on. 

            The other day in history class we learned about the old black folk. They have put real black people into the zoo, just so the white people could go and watch how the `Wild` ones where living. Families where ripped apart, thrown in cages like animals. I got so angry about that I had to behave myself from not hating our world a little too much. Everything got back to normal as I realized that was a long time ago. But no! Black people are still treated like this, maybe even worse! And I got angry again, angry and hopelessly drowning in thoughts. 

           Then I watched this video on Instagram, it just popped up on my phone and I couldn`t take my eyes of of it. I watched it and I bruised into tears. Two cops where holding this black man, he said some things I couldn`t understand, but he sounded so scared. They clearly had him under control and he begged them not to shut him, and what did they do? The cop shut that man 5 times right in his breast, his hand still shacked and so he shut his hand one more time. Then the video was at it is end and all I thought was… and those horrible people are cops? I don`t know if they had their reasons to shut him, but all I know is that, that is how our Generation works. If there is a problem a horrible amount of people would take a gun and solve it that way. Problem is, that is not the answer. If we let things like this, keep happening I don`t know where we can go from that. 

            Fact is, I was in shock because I live in my little princess live and I am just not used to seeing stuff like this. To be honest I think no one at the age of 15, should watch on their phone how a man gets shut 5 times. In this little place in Switzerland that I live, lives not a single black person. I wouldn`t say we are shut away from what is going on, we have a lot of tourists and we are pretty open and modern people and we know very well what is going on in the world. But to really realize it, that takes a bit more than just hearing it in the news. I guess it takes a shocking video like that to get out of our fairytale village. 

            My big Question is, (after discussing that with a lot of adult people) why does the media keep us on track what is going on in America or in Serbia or in any other country that is so far from us. Why do we know all that stuff? It does nothing than scare us, or make us angry. We all know that social media is taking over the world. I know, we are actually really tired of hearing that. Truth is, the violence probably always been this brutal and uncontrollable, now we just have cameras that film every little part of that terrorism. In my opinion that is not always a good thing. I am pretty sure there is a Serbian girl at the age of 15 who has a perfectly normal life like I do, I just don`t know about that. People will now think: But that benefits no one, we are not interested in a girl that lives a perfectly normal life. Let`s be honest, yeah a perfectly normal life is nothing interesting, but to report the bad things is not helping anyone either. Is it really helping anyone that I know how the people so far away from me are living, I can`t do anything against that. I am sorry if you have a completely different opinion and I hope I didn`t offend anyone. I could be completely wrong, but that is just what I know and think at my young age. 

            

            Be kind to one another! I know you hear, or read this day to day, but I mean it! Let`s try to throw a little more kindness around. And also, let`s not shut our mouths on something that needs to be talked about! 

            I guess that is all i had to say... Bye bye <3