Suicide

At the moment I am reading a book called `All the bright places` it`s about a boy who wants to kill himself but then he falls in love with this popular girl Violet. The story is unbelievably beautiful and if your heart isn`t made out of steel, believe me you will cry at the end! It`s so beautifully written and once again it`s about a boy who wants to kill himself.

In today`s world we are so confronted with suicide. In Switzerland every four days a teenager kills themselves. We watch Tv shows like 13 reasons why, we read books about it and we can`t help but think about it.  And sometimes it even happens in our own group of friends, I think it only really gets to you if someone you knew did it, if you thought about it yourself or even if you tried it yourself.

I am glad I am better now, but what would`ve happened if I didn`t got better, what would I have done if it would`ve gotten worse? The thing with depression is, it can hit everyone you can have a good life, friends and family, people who love you but there can only be one thing that`s destroying you. Maybe it isn`t even about your life or the people around you, to me it felt like it was deep inside hidden right behind my smile and I just couldn`t get it out there. I tried I really did, I wanted to get better but I was trapped, trapped inside the darkness and I know so many teenagers felt or still are feeling like this and let me tell you it`s awful, and only some of us make it out of their own depression.

Jennifer Niven writes so detailed about what it felt like for Finch, he explained how it feels to be in the darkness and how absent you can feel it almost makes sense, I think. I wanted to get out of that darkness so badly. And I did it, I actually can`t really tell you how or when exactly because that`s pushed in the back of my mind, only coming back at my lowest days. To be completely honest with you, I still sometimes feel the urge to jump in front of the train and then I ask myself what would`ve happen right when it`s passing in front of me and once again I am glad I didn`t jump.
I still sometimes get in these moods, but they are never as bad as they used to be.

It`s a miracle to me how we can actually get so sad, but it happens and it happens to so many people. I guess we will never get used to people killing themselves, because it really is an awful act and to think about it makes my heart go cold. But it does happen and we can`t pretend anymore that it doesn`t. It`s here and present, I`d like to say it`s alive but it`s not, it`s so dark and cold I can`t describe it like that.


`May your eye go to the sun, to the wind your soul… you are all the colors in one, at full brightness.`

-Jennifer Niven / All the bright places

Let us leave, please just let us get away.

Sometimes all we need is to leave, to just let go and to get away from home. Just to come back and see what we really have. I know everyone says travel changes you and that meeting new people, seeing new places could make you so much more happy. And to be honest I didn`t think that`s completely true, until I went without my parents, with two of my best friends and we had to figure it out all on our own. 

Now, I do think a new place can show you many different aspects of life. Most of all you can step back and look at what you`ve got and what you want to change back home. Because sometimes you just can`t see the things that need a change when you are still right beside them. 

A new culture could show you how to live your life differently and once you got away, your out of that everyday trap. Were everyday goes the same and you almost seem to be losing yourself in it. 

So my best friends ad me, we went to Barcelona for 5 days, but to me it felt a lot longer. We experienced so much, saw so many things, we sometimes even forgot to eat, because of how overwhelmed we were. There we were, 3 girls from the age of 16-18 just having the time of our life`s. Learning so many things in just 5 days and all we had to do was leaving home to grow a little more. We meet a lot of people talked more talks than we would`ve when we were back home. Suddenly you get to know strangers, who tell you their whole life story. Sometimes you could listen hours to some people, because they just talk right into your heart. 

You see poor and rich. You see so many different nations. You look down those city lights and start to wonder what life`s really like. You start to question how people live their life`s in your own country. You are all on your own and you can almost feel that you are growing so much energy, inspiration and you are taking so much with you. So when you come home nothing changed, until you realize you are the one who changed. 

I met this boy in Barcelona and it may sound cheesy and some may say I am naive and hey you know what maybe I am, but I don`t care! I am sixteen years old,  I meet this boy in my holidays and you know what? I may not even remember his name in a few months, or know what he looked like exactly. But I can tell you if I meet this boy back at home, I would`ve completely fallen in love with him. Sometimes you meet people in your life were it just feels right with them. You don`t even need to be talking the same language and you could feel more safe around them, than anyone else. He almost made me feel like I was at home.

For the past few months I`ve had big up`s and downs with boys. I was completely confused by every one of them and all I could think was. There has to be something more than this, someone special. 

Don`t get me wrong I am not expecting to marry the boyfriend I have when I am sixteen years old. But I do think, there has to be someone who truly belongs to my teenage old self. There has to be a guy who has the same interest, someone who finally treats me well. And he, he was all of that.

 Strange thing is, it didn`t make me sad that he was living on the other side of the world and that I may never see him again. It made me happy to think about that I was right. There is something more, someone special. I just have to wait a little longer and maybe open up my mind a little more. Get away from home and meet new people. As a girl you sometimes have this feeling that you are ready for a new relationship and you so badly want a boyfriend and that is exactly when I can assure you, you`re not getting one! Then when you least expect it somebody will come into your life and turn it completely around. 

So now, I am going to focus on me, grow back my confidence and get my shit together. I am going to be dreaming about my Barcelona romance, about the guy who had everything I`ve imagined and time will go so fast, I won`t even notice. 

So here`s to all the memories I`ve made, and to all there is to come. 

Losing someone

In films real life moments are so softened out, overplayed with some emotional music, fitting perfectly and leading you into feeling what seems right in that very moment. Films, do show hard life situations, but they`re never the same behind a screen it`s never as harsh or pure as it is in real life. I think that is because in real life, it is our own situation, we combine it with our feelings, it`s our life, it`s not just something that happens in a movie. Although sometimes we literally feel like we are in a movie. It almost feels too present to be true. This Sunday we were going to scatter my grandfather’s dead, burned body in the sea. We went on a sailing boat, because my grandfather is from Holland and all he did half of his life, was living on the water always being near to the sea and letting the salt breeze trough his hair. Honestly I didn`t know anyone his age who was able to do walk on his hands and jump around as if he was still 20.

Until he was diagnosed with cancer, it`s crazy how you can almost watch someone’s life being taken away by a disease that is not only destroying your body, but your heart and your mind too. You could literally see how death is taking his body over and over, until he finally died.

He and my Grandma had the most beautiful marriage you could imagine they did everything together! They literally couldn`t go a day without seeing each other and that, till the very end. My Grandma is now completely destroyed. Her whole joy of life was taken away within one day. I know she is never going to be the same, all the things they`ve experienced in their life, she cannot forget how beautiful it was when he was still there and I understand. I`d only be hoping to find someone in my life who will be as kind and as supportive as they were to each other. With all the beauty they had in their life, there was a very low point.

They lost their son at the age 18 my mom lost her little brother when she was just 20. They`ve gone through a lot but my mom raised us to be honest to be kind, to our family and we are. We tell each other almost everything. And she does that, because my grandparents did the same with her. They help each other through it all and I admire my grandparents so much for teaching my mom the most important thing in life, to love your family and I admire my Mom for teaching all of us 3 kids and even for teaching my father because he never got to learn that at his home. Because my grandparents were such a strong team they left a piece everywhere they went and that is the most beautiful thing ever, but that is not making it easier. Everyone knew them and everyone loved them. So when he went, so much people were involved. So much people were hurt and my grandma lost it all. I cannot imagine being with one person your whole life for almost every day and then just losing them. It just shows how powerful love can really be, if you really love someone deeply from your heart until they die you`ve done it right. Love is key it always will be.

But back to Sunday, we stood there on that sailing boat and I felt like I was in a movie it felt so emotional so unreal. My Grandma strew his ash in the sea and right behind there came rose petals from all of us the sea carried them away so quickly I couldn`t even say goodbye and so did he, he just went. But as I was looking around I realized that, that was what life is going to be like. No emotional music in the background to tell you how you should feel in that moment. All you can hear is everyone’s tears rolling right down their cheek. You can hear their nose running you can hear the awkward noises we make when we are deeply hurt, trying to let somebody go who has done so much not only for us as his family, but for many, many other people.

My 10-year-old sister was balling her eyes out not fully understanding what was going on. I was looking at her broken little heart and all I could think was:  Life is harsh, pure, honest, not always fun but it is real! Not like a movie, but I hope she will see the sunny side first, it`s getting complicated soon enough.

Searching for something, just anything.

Why are we all searching for something, anything that would give us a little hope, love, strength something that makes us let go of it all. 

We are hoping for one good conversation, for one person to get us. Searching just for someone, just for anyone. 

We are searching for an escape a drug, one thing that we can let go for once. Some escape just any escape. 

We all have our problems right? But it seems like everyone got their own way to handle them. Someway, just anyway. 

I guess I don`t really get the purpose of life, but I may get it someday, just any day.

Smoke clouds

As she was smoking her cigarette, looking into the sun enjoying the last strokes of warmth it gave her. Enjoying ever little burn in her lungs. Finally, she could let go, her head finally stopped pounding her shaking hands finally calmed down and she knew this wasn`t supposed to be, she knew that that girl wasn`t herself anymore. 

She finally understood why people need this so badly, she finally knew what it feels like to need that little sweet escape. As the smoke sourrounded her, she started thinking… what brought her this deep. 

She was the funny, sporty girl and right now she would be running or dancing just moving her body to escape but she was to tired, it was just too much. She needed something heavier, something that burned like the fire she felt inside, something that hopefully would make her feel alive again. She was despreatly searching for help knowing no one could help her right now. 

She felt broke inside, she didn`t feel like this in a long time. She was sad before but it was a different kind of sad, this time it was so desperate so incapable she didn`t know how to do anything in that moment other than be confused by who she became and what life can do to you. 

She finally woke up and realized the pink world she was living in, came crashing down on her. With every breath she took, looking at the smoke bust out of her rosy lips, it got worse.

Broken Hearted

So I guess I just wasn`t expecting him to leave me this soon.. He just went! I mean it`s not like I did not know that it`s over, but It just came so quickly with no warning. BUUF and everything was gone, he was gone. He came like a wishing star he amazed me and then he did nothing other than disappoint me, cause my dreams didn`t come true. He left me but not only with my wishes, with my problems too. That is exactly what I was scared of, I finally put trust in someone I did let loose. I at least tried to show him all of me, the real ME. But I was right, he left anyway, my fear was justified I was so scared of opening up to him and I still am. I am just not good at talking about my feelings to people, I can get so cold. I cannot tell you why I do that. But if somebody get to close, I completely close the doors, I just shut them out. I won`t say I let the doors to my heart wide open for him, but I let him glance in and that already was a big step for me and what do I have now? A broken heart, I never wanted to be the broken hearted girl. I know that`s kind off not avoidable but I`d rather be the cold hearted girl than the broken one.

I know it`s not his or mine fault the relationship didn`t work out, it was OUR fault we both where just living our own life`s, never really sharing a lot with the other one. That worked because our love was, what kept us strong but in the end there was only love and effort on one side and that just wasn`t enough, it just wasn`t.

I am not going to fall into a hole, I am not that kind of person. One thing I`ve learned from this relationship is that you need to make time for the people you love and sometimes you need to give certain things up for the one who`s most important to you. And if you are not willing to do that, it simply won`t work. You know maybe we are better off with each other, maybe it wasn`t meant to be with 16 you should be looking all pink at the world when you`re in love. I guess it shouldn`t have been this complicated already. I never wanted a relationship anyway, I knew I wasn`t ready. I need to live my own life first, I am still such an egoist and so focused on myself. For God`s sake I can be focused on myself, I am 16 years old I have to figure it all out first.

Also I am pretty good at being single I get along with myself damn fine I can worry about being alone when I am 23 or something. I know I will have my heart broken a few times more but it`s not all bad, I never really regret anything, you can only learn from people.

Actually it`s that time of the year where most couples call it quits. Although I wasn`t the one who ended it, I think I get why he did it now…. Let`s just say I am excited who my new year`s kiss will be, suddenly I can assure you that it won`t be him anymore and I think I deserve better, so take that!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!